Oh technology. There is nothing more evil than when your cell phone decides to freeze on you just when certain conversations start to get good… You can only curse at the nonexistent evil laughter echoing in the battery when it freezes and you have no choice but to break your finger on the power button. Yet you still turn it on anyway… That’s when you know, the cell phone has won.
But it’s not about cell phones, oh no, it is about printers. Especially printers that like to crap on you well and truly the day an assignment has to be in. I’m telling you that stupid printer is possessed and I’m not the only one that thinks so. Printers have been possessed since the dawn of their creation and the percentage of possessed printers just keep growing every year. Haunted printers typically take the forms of poltergeist rattling, bangs, explosions, hobo screams and Katherine yelling: “Echo, echo!” If by any chance you believe that your printer is possessed, you have no choice than to exorcise it…
Signs your printer may be demonically possessed.
Your printer continues to print the same thing over and over. NO I did not tell you to print the picture of the hobo, I told you to print my homework. H-o-m-e-w-o-r-k, not H-o-b-o.
Your printer prints things that are encoded. How am I supposed to read this chicken scratch? What is this some kind of joke? Do you want eggs in your cartridges, is that what you desire you stupid piece of plastic?
Your printer does not turn off when unplugged. Now where is that hidden battery? Wait a minute, since when does a printer have a battery? Oh, maybe now should be the best time to – [cue hysterical female scream.]
Your documents emerge from the printer inexplicably coated in a thin layer of ectoplasm. Ewww, that’s disgusting, I don’t like it when you drool on my homework. I know I’m incredibly sexy but keep your saliva (he he he, s-a-l-i-v-a) to yourself. In fact down the street there is a whole community of dogs just waiting to drool on you? Now run along. Oh wait you have no legs. Riiiiiight. And you are drooling on my homework. Riiiiight. Because printers do that. [cue hysterical female scream.]
There appears to be a small girl named Samara trapped inside your printer. I advise you not to lure out the kid with cookies. I advise you not to scream either. I advise you not to look behind you. I advise you to ignore the crawling feeling on your back. I advise you to ignore Katherine picking his nose. I advise you – you know what? Run and scream like a terrified girl. I hope you brought and extra pair of pants. Preferably ones not in league with the printer.
The printer won’t print when you command it to. It’s not like you’re asking it to bark and roll over, all you are asking is for it to print your homework because you kind of forgot about it and you need it RIGHT NOW. But what does the printer care? You’re not part of its take over the world plan; in fact it wouldn’t mind you at the bottom of the fish tank…
It tries to strangle you with its power cord. Now picture this: you are lying in your bed, minding your own business. You might be sleeping or you might be smiling creepily at the ceiling because that is what you do right? The next moment something shadowy appears next to you and you feel something cold and menacing wrap around your throat. Unconcerned you turn on your light and guess what, it is the printer. Seriously? You’re gonna strangle me with your power cord? How original. Try again. It’s not like I didn’t see this coming when I turned the printed paper over and there were demonic messages written backwards. I mean come on? How stupid could you be?
How to exorcise your printer:
- Try pressing the cancel button. It’s usually a big red button. The printer will try to disguise it in the form of a creepy girl’s hand sticking from the opening. Ignore her; she’s groping for ice cream.
- Try unplugging it. It’s very simple. Find the black thingy. Pull it out. If the printer grins at you. RUN. Quite simple.
- Drive a wooden stake through it. It might have a thirst for blood. If you find cockroaches with their juices sucked out, you know that the printer did it.
- Shoot it with silver bullets. Printers have a tendency to disguise themselves as other appliances. If by any chance you hear the toaster whispering haunted messages… remove the half eaten toast and find the silverware.
- Sprinkle holy water over it while reciting incantations. (And pray it doesn’t short circuit.) You don’t want it dead… much. You only wish to get rid of the demons right?
- IF all else fails, place a stake in the ground, make a huge pile of all the dead plants your mother failed to keep alive and cover in gasoline. Burn the printer at the stake to expel demons.
A life in S.A 
I think we have the same @#$$ing printer. ARghhhhhhh!!!!!
Does it spontaneously start laughing in your face (even though you are imagining things…) then yes, we have the same printer.
This is perfect. I’d write a longer comment but now I must go burn my printer at the stake.
My printer died the morning my undergrad thesis was due. MY THESIS!! Nothing is sacred to these monstrosities, burn them all!