Relationship Advice from an Idiot

Breakups can go jump into a volcano (stages of a breakup)

To say I have led a blissful unaware life would be an understatement. I thought my life had been hard at some points. Boy was I wrong. They say going through a breakup is like losing a loved one and it makes total sense. When you are in a relationship your life is completely different when compared to being single. There is another human being in your space who you share a certain bond with that cannot be found anywhere. Trust me I have looked. Under rocks. In the laundry. Nope. Nada.

It’s only when you go through the motions of a breakup that you can truly understand why people lament about it the way they do. I fought for my relationship as hard as I could. I invested completely up to the edge where it began to compromise my personal life. It became one of my top priorities. I did everything right. Followed every guide, every sane person’s advice and tried my very best to be the perfect girlfriend.

It was not enough. He wasn’t nearly as invested as I was. It was completely a one-sided thing. I knew this from the start. My gut yelled cold-blooded murder at me not to go through with it. Did I listen? Hell-no, and now I’m paying the price.

But you know what? It will pass. Every breakup has several stages that everyone has to go through before fully getting over it. The symptoms I am experiencing are not unique to me at all. Some of the stages can even overlap or happen all at once.

 

Stage 1: Shock

When your relationship ends nothing can prepare you for it. Nothing. It’s like being suddenly drenched in icy cold water. The initial shock renders you almost speechless and then the shivers set in. I knew for 3 weeks that I was probably going to break up with him and had run through the scenario over and over again in my head, but it did nothing to stop the shock. For one, he did not react the way I had anticipated. That alone threw me off immediately and made the whole thing worse.

I felt horrible. I wanted to turn my car around immediately and beg him to forget everything I had said and just continue as if nothing ever happened. I didn’t. When I got home I climbed into bed and cried for 48 hours. It was one of the worst and miserable times of my life.

The best thing you can do for yourself during this stage is to just embrace it. Don’t suppress the hurt or the crying. You have to let it out otherwise it will just get worse.

 

Stage 2: Denial

This stage is fun. No, I wanted to burn down the house and dance naked in the moonlight. Anything to take my mind off my current situation. During this stage, it is common to stalk and/or message your new ex. You think if you don’t accept the heartbreak then it didn’t really happen right? WRONG.

I was stupid. I messaged him on new years. He replied and told me he had missed me. He had been drunk. Suddenly the hope flared, and I wanted to sing in joy. He still cared! He wants me back! Bitch he was drunk, calm your ass down.

Not one of my proudest moments. I was lonely. I missed him. I was weak and now I’m paying the price because I put the healing process an entire week back by fostering false hope that he would fight for me and want me back. Bitch, please. You left him for exactly this reason. He proceeded to ignore me again after that little stunt. Did I learn my lesson? Yes.

Lesson? Leave him/her alone. You are only going to make yourself miserable.

 

Stage 3: Bargaining

The thing is despite everything, despite the facts being smack dab in my face my heart just won’t get with the program. I keep wondering:

“Maybe I didn’t give him enough of a chance.”

“Maybe I didn’t make my point clear enough.”

“Does he miss me as much as I miss him?”

“What if I had been more patient and held out just a little bit longer?”

 

“Shit. Did I make a mistake?”

 

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have officially entered the bargaining stage of my breakup. Where Nigel (my brain) conveniently only remembers the good and forgets ALLLLLL of the bad things. You know the 101 reasons as to why I broke up with him. No let’s remember his sense of humour, his gorgeous butt, his sarcastic smile, the deep conversations we had late in the night, the kisses, the hugs, the cuddles. Everything good and nothing bad.

I constantly have to remind myself why I broke up with him. I even made a list of reasons why I left him and read it out loud to myself regularly. Does it help? No. Not in the slightest. I still want him back. I still miss him. I still cry. I am still miserable.

You tell yourself that being without him is so intolerable that you can work harder, deal with it, even settle to win them back.  Let me get real here.  It’s the fear of being alone that’s kicking my ass. Logic has been thrown out the window in favour of irrational feelings.

The trick is not to give in and that is probably the hardest part. I know exactly what will happen if I were to beg him to take me back. His ego will probably get a huge boost, he’ll hold it against me (probably) and everything will go back to the way things were i.e. I invest 100% and he maybe gives it a mediocre 40%… hell it may be even less this time. I’ll be taken for granted again and my trust in him will dwindle even more. It’s a sure-fire recipe for disaster.

The thing you have to remember is that a relationship is like a partnership. If both partners do not work together to build the relationship and invest then it will go belly up. One person can’t possibly carry the entire burden of a relationship. It’s impossible and it only leads to more misery. Don’t lose sight that there were two people in the relationship and two people contributed to its ending.

 

Stage 4: Anger

I had hoped to be in this stage as soon as possible. Turns out my sadness is more persistent than I thought. This stage usually comes much further down the road. I had recently discovered he had revived his online dating accounts… This should have pissed me off, but it only made me more miserable. He’s moved on while I’m still sitting here and wallowing, but the thing is I shouldn’t be surprised. He was never that into me, so I suppose it makes sense for him to move on faster.

When this stage does finally come around you will know it by the uncontrollable rage that is coursing through your veins.

“How dare he?! How dare he be such a shitty boyfriend! I fucking deserve better! I should have dumped his ass ages ago! What the hell had I been thinking?”

Instead of throwing his Xbox into the pool or filling his car with cement, rather use this anger to do something more constructive. Always wanted a beach bod? Then go to the gym and use the energy to better yourself. If you don’t allow the anger and rage to consume you then you can use it to your advantage.

 

Stage 5: Relapse

Just when you thought you have finally gotten through the worst of it… BAM! Nostalgia comes whispering its sweet nothings in your ear. You will be sitting staring at a bug on the windowsill or something when it will hit you like a freight train. That nostalgia, that feeling of missing him all over again. This stage is usually the most common one where people get back together and give their relationship one more try. Sometimes it works out but most of the time it doesn’t.

Unfortunately, sometimes you have to go through the cycle of break up and reconciliation a few times with the same person before you can finally let go. This is probably the hardest stage to get through. It only temporarily relieves the symptoms of withdrawal, but it never lasts and the sooner you realise and let go, the better for you and ultimately for them as well.

 

Stage 6: Acceptance or Sweet, Sweet Surrender

This could happen early or take forever to reach. If it happens early, you may feel like you are surrendering rather than finally accepting that things are over. Not because you want to but because you have to. Either you or your ex have finally realized that it is not meant to be and start to enforce certain boundaries. Boundaries that are necessary to make the break up final because one of you have to otherwise neither will move on.

When the acceptance starts to settle in more deeply then it brings a certain kind of relief like drinking ice water on a hot day when you are parched. You will finally start to feel whole again.

Remember that acceptance is a verb and it requires action. If you are not going to make an active effort to move on and forget them, then you will never escape the cold clutches of misery.

 

Step 7: Hope

The last step in the process is finally feeling hope that you can love again, that you can find someone that is perfect for you and that your life is your own again. You must move on from the hope that you can save your failed relationship to the hope that you can find Mr./Miss Right. Talk to your friends, write it down, whatever it takes to motivate you to have hope again.

 

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then it is yours. If it doesn’t then it was never meant to be. I am not going to lie to myself. Deep down I still hope that we can reconcile and be together but the only way for that to happen is for him to change his behaviour that caused me to break up with him in the first place and let’s be honest here – it will never happen. Each person has certain traits and behaviours that are hotwired into them meaning that they will never change no matter what and I know for a fact that I would never have been happy with him the way he is now.

In the long run, it would never have worked out and I know logically I made the right choice. Doesn’t make this any easier though. The whole breakup process takes time. It doesn’t help that it is painful or unbearable but like the age-old saying: “Time heals all wounds.” and I will stick to my decision because it was made in my best interest.

 

The main point is to be patient and to allow yourself to grieve as much as you need to fully heal and move on.

 

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Relationship Advice from an Idiot

He’s just not that into you.

What a depressing title. Many women have had to live through this awkward and often times depressing situation. When you are young you have your entire life ahead of you and the sad reality is that you haven’t suffered enough. The most common avenue of suffering is failed relationships.

My parents have been married for 30 years now and I watch them. I see how much they still love each other but that love does not come easy. They fight, they get irritated with each other, sometimes they refuse to speak two words to each other but it passes because my father knows my mother is worth it and my mother would do anything for him. That is what true love is and if that is not what you are striving towards, you do not realize your worth just yet. I know what real love looks like. I have seen it often enough although never experienced it myself and everyone deserves to be loved liked that.

You are worth it. Somewhere out there someone knows this but sometimes we find ourselves stuck in a relationship where the man in your life treats you like you’re second best. Like you’re not really worth anything but perhaps a convenient distraction when it fits him.

He doesn’t really care about you or your life but constantly talks about his or unloads his problems on you because you are there and convenient when it fits him. Or he is emotionally unavailable and refuses to share anything. You have to constantly beg him to make time for you and only when it fits him. He ignores you on a regular basis even when he’s not busy. Sometimes days would go by and you don’t hear a peep out of him. He does not put any effort whatsoever in to make you happy despite you doing everything to make him happy. You are not a priority in his life and often other things take higher priority. There is nothing wrong with having other priorities but if he truly cared he’d find a way to maintain a balance between you and everything else.

He chooses another woman over you. It may be his best friend but no man in his right mind that truly cared about his girlfriend would jeopardize his own relationship like that…. unless he doesn’t care whether you come or go and of course another red flag he doesn’t get jealous. He may not go charging off to go confront the other bastard in your life but a man that truly cares about the woman is his life will most assuredly take notice if his girl mentions another man. We are all a little jealous. Some more than others and you should be concerned if he shows no signs of it

If any of these symptoms are present you have a classic case of ‘he’s just not that into you’ and let me tell you something. It sucks. It hurts. If you’re crying over him every few days because he’s not doing this or that or he’s ignoring you for no particular reason… GET OUT. Leave as fast as you can. He’s not worth the soil beneath your feet. I know it’s not that easy. It never is. You have fallen in love with him, he is supposed to be your future husband but it seems he’s lost the memo. You deserve better. A good woman is worth fighting for.

Why am I writing this? Easy. I was not enough. Let me add some context. I was in a relationship for about 4 months. 2 of them “official” by his terms. The warning signs were there but I was too naive and blind to see them despite everyone around me and my gut (and Nigel *my brain – of course) warning me.

I am beautiful and I’m not saying this to blow my own horn. I know this because I have been told by numerous men of this said fact. I am highly educated. I have an honours degree in I.T. and I have a high paying job. I will never be a financial burden. I can cook. I can dance. I am slim and fit and short. I did everything for him. I cooked (I hate it with every breath I take but I did because it made him happy. You do that when you’re in a relationship right?), I pushed myself out of my comfort zone more times than I can count and always dressed up for him. I gave my everything to that relationship and had so much more to give.

It was not enough.

So ladies you could be the most perfect well put together woman on this planet and you will still find a man that doesn’t think you’re good enough and it’s not your fault.  There is nothing wrong with you. You are who you are and someone, somewhere will see that. It just takes time. If he doesn’t want a relationship or just want some mindless fun, you can stand on your head and sing your country’s anthem out of your ass and it will not make a difference. Nothing can change a man’s mind but he himself. No amount of begging or threatening or whatever tricks you have tried will change his mind. Not truly.

He may make some empty promises just to keep you around. Do not fall for it. Do not believe a single word he says. Never believe anything a man tells you. Believe his actions. The age old saying “Actions speak louder than words” is true even to this day. If a man wants a woman in his life she knows it. Not because he told her but because he has shown her by. He has shown her that is she is worth fighting for. Only then can you be certain.

You may feel powerless. A victim of your emotions. You think you can’t do better. You can. You can do so much better and you deserve so much better. You deserve to be treated like you are the most beautiful thing in the world. You deserve to be loved and cherished.

You deserve his time, his attention, his love and affection when you need it and want it. You should not have to beg him, he gives it to you freely because he wants to and he knows you are worth it and he values you.

And men the same goes for you. If you treat her like a Queen and she sees you as nothing more than a peasant, leave her ass like a hot a potato. She does not deserve you but the broken hearted girls with so much to give do.

 

A worthy woman when treated like a Queen will treat her man like a King.

Relationship Advice from an Idiot

How to date an alien – I mean an extrovert. (A guide for introverts)

He is the thunder to your lightning, the bed to your breakfast, and the macaroni to your cheese. Your romance is the stuff of legends. The spark is an everlasting star, burning brightly in the quiet night while you cuddle in the comfort of your passion.

Until of course, he utters the words: “Do you want to go out?”

“Does it involve other people?” You ask with dread crawling up your spine, the passion sizzling a quick death.

“Of course it does!” he says eagerly and smiles with that adorable tilt to his mouth.

 

“F.U.C.K.”

 

You start to contemplate killing your goldfish just to have an excuse to say no. It is terribly selfish I know, but being an introvert dating an extrovert can be one of the most challenging things one must face when the mere thought of engaging with other people already gives you a headache even though you haven’t actually engaged with anyone – yet. ‘Shudder’

Parties and gathering are an anxiety-laden roller coaster that leaves you gasping for air and wishing for a swift death. Or a cat to pet in the corner while whispering sweet nothings to yourself. They already think you have a few screws loose anyway, might as well add fuel to the already burning pyre.

We, as introverts, understand that you want to include us into your world. You want us to get to know your friends but you have SO MANY OF THEM. I swear, it’s like trying to become friends with everyone on Instagram. I have like 3, you have it easy. Trying to tell your 21 work friends apart from each other is like trying to take a photograph of an invisible object. Impossible.

You give in anyway. You go to that party, even though every voice in your head is screaming “NAY”. You want to be part of his world. You want to make him happy but every time you accompany him to something, it feels like you’re holding him back from having fun because he stays by your side feeling obligated to keep you company while you’re trying your damn best to blend in with the furniture.

Then he feels weird because you’re so quiet around his friends and family and everyone is kind of sneaking a glance at the weirdo sitting in the corner talking to herself. You start to feel guilty because you’re not engaging with his friends but the mere thought of talking to them makes your throat clamp up and your palms grow sweaty. It’s this endless, awkward loop with no end in sight.

Realise that you are not going to change. It is so fundamentally part of you because this is who you are. You are an introvert. A social vegan that avoids meet. You can’t magically change just because it’s important to him that you change. That said, you’ll try. You really will but at some point, he will either just have to accept you for who are you or move on. Being quiet is normal for you. It’s when you’re not quiet that they should start to worry because either a parasite has taken over your brain or you are forcing yourself to be something you’re not. Which is social. It is a swear word in our vocab.

Alas, not all is lost. It is entirely possible to coexist with your extroverted partner in a semi-peaceful manner. There will be times both you want to shake the stuffing out of each other, yelling “What in the blasted name is wrong with you!?” – wondering what the hell you were thinking falling for the other. Do keep in mind that your partner’s differences is exactly what attracted you to him in the first place. That and his butt. Let’s be honest here.

Communication is key and not having a knife nearby helps to alleviate the tension. Mostly. Compromise and meeting each other half way is the only way to make things work. You cannot allow yourself to lose what makes you, you, just to please them. You hate people. Your social batteries last maybe a few hours at most before you have to crawl into your cave and recharge while your partner can party into the wee hours of the night.

Which by the by makes them an alien. I mean seriously, watching them walk into a room and instantly connect with everyone is fucking creeping. Only an alien does that. How is he that fearless?? It takes me 31 one-on-one conversations just to be able to not awkwardly avoid the other person’s eyes every time I am in the same room with them. He, on the other hand, can walk up to a plant and be like “You should totally come to my braai next week” and the plant will be like: “Yeah sure dude, sounds great!”

ALIEN.

Respecting these needs in each other is the first step to finding a balance that works for both of you. Every time he wants to go out it’s like a WHOLE THING. You have to mentally prepare yourself to physically go somewhere and be social for x – amount of hours. It’s horrifying and it takes a lot of internal pep talking just to get out the door. Add strangers to the mix and you have one special, anxious little snowflake, ready to bolt at the first sign of someone looking at them oddly.

This is usually where the bargaining comes in: “I’ll go with you to y event but we only stay for x amount of hours.” Your extroverted partner may become irritated but this is where the consideration and understanding part comes in. You are going out of your way to accompany him to an event that terrifies the living shit out of you just to make him happy. It’s like buying a damn diamond for a girl. It’s that big of an issue.

It sounds ridiculous, you don’t have to convince me, but it’s when he accept this part of you that you start to fall even more in love with him because he is really starting to get you. The majority of people enjoy socializing with other people and it is difficult when you’re an introvert to find someone that really understand your need to be alone sometimes. I am not breaking up with you. I want to go hide in a corner and eat cookies, ALONE, and then, having recharged my batteries I will come back to you and make you a happy human because I am a happy human.

Sometimes it happens that he drags your ass out to a dumb event and you really don’t want to go but you end having you a whole lot of fun. It’s times like these that you realise that this is why you like him.

It’s as simple as that. If you do it right, in the end, you actually appreciate all of the differences because you both balance each other out really well. It may not always be easy, but it definitely is always interesting.

Life and the art of elbow licking

How to Adult (Part 1)

I is an adult. I is not happy. Adulting is not fun. Adulting can go suck a frog foot. It’s the bills, the rent, the calling the doctor by yourself when you are sick. Doing your own laundry, doing your taxes, being responsible, feeding yourself and all the little things in between.

Being an adult is probably the dumbest thing I have ever done.

There is no manual, no how-to adult book with a definite answer which is handed to you when you turn 18. Hell, there isn’t even an official age when you are considered an adult.  It all depends on your mental age, how many sea monkeys you can juggle at once, the state of the moon in alignment with the tree down the street and your cat’s mood. You could be 40 and still don’t know whether you’re actually considered an adult or not.

Is it when you move out then? Is it when you leave high school? Is it when you make your first doctor’s appointment all by yourself? Or do you still call and beg your mother to do it?

Perhaps Adult isn’t something you are but something you do. A verb and not a noun. You can be a grown ass woman/man and still beat the kids to the ice cream truck when you hear its ever annoying tune blasting down your street. Or ambling rather.

Undoubtedly the most important lesson and the first thing you must learn in order to start adulting properly is:

You are not that special

(But appreciate those who disagree with the above) The world does not revolve around you. Nobody cares about you except your parents, on your good days, and your best friends, maybe that one teacher that let you hide in the classroom during recess that one time as well.

People are too busy with their own problems to care that you accidentally placed the ice cream in the fridge and now it’s melted. Ranting about it on Facebook only serves as temporary 2 second amusement before the 2/1007 friends who bothered to read it, forget about it and move on with their own lives.

This directly ties to: Be okay with being alone

You do not need a girlfriend/boyfriend or an x amount of friends to be happy or fulfilled. Learn that there are going to be times that you’re going to want a watch movie and literally no one has time to accompany you. Eventually, you’re going to swallow your dread and go anyway. You’re going to stand there, alone, by yourself, waiting to enter the movie theatre. People are going to think you’re a loser because you’re standing there all by yourself with no one to talk to.

WRONG.

This is what they’re really thinking in some form or another: “I wonder if toasters are secretly alive and only pretending to be inanimate objects.”

Seriously. They are probably not even going to pay attention to you unless they secretly want to squeeze your marshmallows…

Learn to be domestic

Another moment when you may be jolted into being an adult is the day you run out of toilet paper when you need it the most. When you realise it is NOT an infinite resource and must be monitored like a bloody panda.

Food does not magically appear in your fridge and dust accumulates on every surface possible. You’ll soon be arming yourself with surface cleaner and 3 different colour rags because nothing scares dust more than a well put together grown up that knows how to adult like a pro. You’ll have to start creating grocery lists and forgetting them every time.

No one is going to remove spider bro, casually hanging in the corner of your room. You’ll either have to deal with him or burn down your house/apartment. A friendly neighbourhood lady, whose name you’ll never remember, isn’t going to be knocking on your door and asking you whether you accidentally spilled milk all over yourself and offer to do your laundry.

You are responsible for the dead things your cat brings into your house. In pieces. You are responsible for cleaning your dirty plates before ecosystems form on them and you accidentally breed a new strain of deadly, leg eating bacteria.

Luckily you are not alone. There are billions of people all over the world that have managed to successfully adult and not kill themselves in the process. If they can do it, so can you. Until you accidentally drop a bag of frozen peas on your foot and your world effectively ends in pain and misery.

Learn to cook. At least how to boil water. Learn to do your own laundry. Red and white do not go together unless you really like pink. Google is your friend.

Knowing that mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, isn’t going to help you change the lightbulb or be a functioning adult.

To be continued…

Relationship Advice from an Idiot

Seen

“I am happy on my own.”

The moment you utter these words, the world seemingly goes up in flames as people reprimand you, lecture you and give you a serious talking to as to why such a statement is taboo. (I mean seriously if I have to hear one more old person tell me “You’re next.” at a wedding or whatever, I’m getting them back by subtly uttering the words “You’re next.” at someone’s funeral.)

It is impossible to be happy in your singlehood. Absolutely unspeakable. They utter as they give you this look. You have to have a boyfriend to be happy. You have to have a girlfriend to be happy. Anything less and suddenly you’re technically not a person.

Bullshit.

People are marrying their pillows and you’re worried about me being alone for the rest of my life? I think I’m good thanks.

Why is it when people admit that they are single and that they’re happy to be that people stare at them disapprovingly. That they’re lectured and frowned at for daring to utter these words. Why is the notion so taboo? Does happiness not come from the self? Are you not the architect of your own life? So why is it when you express your lack of a relationship that suddenly it’s not okay?

Why are people so concerned about other’s relationship statuses in the first place? I blame Facebook. I think I’m going to write a strongly worded letter. With exclamation marks.

We live in a world where sex has become cheap and divorce the norm. Where the sanctity of marriage is no longer sacred. Finding someone to spend the rest of your life with, that will uplift you and make your happy is more difficult than finding a unicorn riding a unicycle, juggling tubs of ice cream.

They’d rather just bang you.

But you keep on trying because society expects you to. You sign up on dating site x and cast your net and wait. Or you go out, disguised as an outing with friends but secretly you are looking around.  Eventually, after a few weeks, months or even a year, you finally meet someone promising.

You start to chat. Things look really favourable but you tell yourself that it’s only a conversation. You build a fortress around your heart and continuously stomp on the little flame that wants to ignite.

The flame of hope. Hope that you have finally met THE ONE. Hope that they like you just as much you like them. Hope that this thing between you will blossom into something beautiful. Hope that they will accept you for who you are. And help you find your missing screws. I’m pretty sure my imaginary friend hid them somewhere. Damn it Katherine.

You resist and you’re proud of yourself. You’re protecting your heart from breaking. Also your ass. Three words. Chocolate grief eating. Does that sentence even make any sense? Not the point.

As time wears on and you get to know the person on the other side of the screen. You throw everything that you are at this person expecting them to high tail and run but they don’t. They accept you and your toenail collection for who you are. You can no longer snuff the flame, the walls start to crumble and you start to fall, long and hard. You try your utter best to resist the pull but your resolve weakens after each passing day.

“She is so smart.”

“He is so funny.”

“They truly understand me.”

You’re happy, smiling all the time, giggling at your phone at inappropriate moments like an idiot. Life is good. Unicorns are farting rainbows. But this temporary high only lasts a split second. Something changes. It is so minuscule you don’t notice it at first but it’s there.

They start to take longer and longer to reply to your messages. Sometimes days go by before you hear even a peep from them and then it’s some half-baked, half assed excuse. You’re putting in more effort than one person should to keep this thing between you afloat.

Yet, things are still rosy. Or so you tell yourself. You deny that something is wrong. You ignore the signs as best you can but eventually, it starts to wear on you. No amount of blanket forts can protect you now.

They no longer jump at the opportunity to see you. They don’t bother to reply to your messages in a reasonable amount of time. They no longer subtly flirt with you. It feels like work. Like you’re trying to swim through thick sludge.

You become livid.

“How dare he ignores me?”

You stalk them, your anger growing as you realize they are out living their life while you sit here like an idiot pining after them. You contemplate posting passive aggressive statuses on Facebook just to give them a piece of your mind. You remind yourself that you would not look good in orange overalls. As quickly as this fury started… it ends.

You start to bargain with yourself.

“I’ll give her until Friday to call back.”

“I’ll wait until x before I message him.”

They finally call back. They finally reply to your message. Angels sing. Ponies frolic in the sunshine. Everything is right in the world again. After all, your patience paid off, no? The conversation does not go like it did in your head when you were arguing with yourself a while ago.

You deny what is right in front of you. That they’re keeping you on a thread. Perhaps it is because they’re selfish pricks that enjoy making other people miserable pining over them. Perhaps they are truly busy and this just wasn’t the right time to initiate a relationship. Or perhaps it is pure ignorance.

Nevertheless, you are the one sitting with the sputtering flame of hope in your chest. That is the worst part, isn’t it? If they were to just end things, to throw a bucket of ice water out over you, it would snuff the flame completely and ultimately, you’d be free. But they don’t.

You are the one that loses here. Not them. You tried to protect yourself. You tried to resist them. You tried. It was not enough and now here you sit, a cloud of misery hanging over your head.

You feel empty on the inside. It feels like a gigantic sumo wrestler is sitting on your chest, eating cookies. You don’t know what to do with yourself. You wander around work, an empty vessel, trying to find something that will make the pain go away. It feels like it will never end. You cry yourself to sleep at night, wondering: “What did I do wrong? Is there something wrong with me?”

No answer presents itself.

Finally, you accept it. When a man likes a woman, it’s obvious. And vice versa. If you continuously have to ask yourself: “Does, he/she like me?” then you already have your answer.

The moment you realise this, that flame finally, finally dies.

 

Life and the art of elbow licking

The art of being a somewhat lady.

There comes a time in every young female’s life when she must put away her flamethrowers and Barbie dolls and become the badass, totally mannered woman of pure etiquette she is meant to be.

Or at least try not to burn down the kitchen. That works too. Ladies are not born, they are made. That being said what exactly does it mean to be a lady?

Does it mean you speak in old English, thou, art, thee? Does it mean you walk with your nose in the air and your tush tucked in firmly as if you’re holding a credit card between your butt cheeks? Does it mean you hide behind a fan and giggle properly while scalding your enemies with your laser eyes? Perhaps it’s drinking your tea with your pinkie in the air…

No my darlings, it is much more than that.

 

How to be a lady.

 

A lady is groomed.

Presentation is a key part to becoming a respectable woman. Your future depends on you being a sophisticated creature that always has her shit together. Even when you want to crawl into a hole and cry while stuffing chocolate bunnies into your face and making tissue shrines. Make-up is your arsenal. Use it. But not too much. You don’t want it to look like you took a trowel to your face.

Wash your face regularly and apply a good moisturizing cream. Avoid caking your face with powders and creams though. It could lead to acne and everyone knows that those with acne are probably ogres or even worse… Communists.

Care for your hair. Don’t go out if your hair looks like a family of bats made a nest in it and then you tried vacuuming them out. Put some extra effort in to making sure your hair always looks nice or at least presentable. There is nothing a man loves more than running his fingers through a woman’s silky, soft hair while kissing her senseless. Just saying.

When the demons are plaguing you and your evil twin sister is out (#period), be extremely careful for anyone not to see certain items that you require to survive the ordeal. Men don’t need to know you’re human, you are a lady damnit.

 

A lady dresses appropriately at all times.

This does not necessarily mean you wear a blouse that button up to your throat, knickers that make your granny proud or a dress that hide your ankles…. Because you know… nothing riles a man up more than sexy ankles. The shame.  It means you wear the colours that compliment you. Your skirts can be short, but they don’t loving climb up into your butt cheeks. Your blouses don’t show every lump and bump that graces your drop dead gorgeous body. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with having a little extra. Blatantly flaunting that “extra” by wearing skint tight clothing that could cause a seizure from tightness however, might just send the men running in the other direction. Wear clothes that compliments your figure and that doesn’t scream “cringe when you see it.”

This applies to all woman. You don’t want your double D’s flopping around possibly hitting innocent passer-by’s in the face. Although I’m sure some men would be more than willing to take the fall for their brothers in arms. Wear a good bra, wear clothes that cover everything appropriately but there is just enough sass to make the men pant behind their cool facades. Underwear is not a misnomer. Exposed things are not glamorous. Men eventually grow up and realise that a lady is a lot more worth than a quick booty call and if your clothing is not on par they will lose interest. Even if they do take a peek. They’re still men.

 

A lady behaves

Ladies do not have one night stands. Ladies do not do booty calls. Ladies behave themselves and is the picture perfect representation of what you probably want in a wife one day if you’re a man. (I can already see the boys cringe in horror. Marriage? Bogwash! Who thinks of such things at this day and age?).

If you as a man wishes to go sow your seeds then do so. Just don’t expect your lady to participate in such unladylike acts. Explore if you must. You will come to your senses eventually. In a decade or so. But don’t expect her to sit and wait for you. She is her own person and a man that actually has come to his senses will appreciate her for her worth.

Being a lady means that you do not sow your wild oats. At all. How can you claim to be respectable woman if you jump in bed with every man that sings pretty poems to you? Now you might argue with me that how dare I be so prudish? Woman should also be allowed these liberties that men seem to have but unfortunately for you we still live in a day and age where it is frowned upon if a woman is “loose.” It is unfortunately our lot in life. If you wish to be a lady you must accept it. If not, that is your choice.

Jumping in bed with a man after only a few dates is wholly untasteful. It’s doubtful he will have much respect for you if you do. He might placate you with pretty words and such but do not be fooled by them. Men might not want to admit it, but they do have a lot more respect for a woman that stands firm by her morals even if it leads to said poor man having an itch that cannot be scratched. Oh the sacrifices the poor souls must make!

It will be worth it in the end. A lady is loyal to a fault and will stand by your side through thick in thin while still looking fabulous.

 

A lady has manners.

Not much needs to be said here. Please and thank you is your bread and butter. Do not talk with your mouth full. Spitting peas all over your date might not be the best way to get the conversation going. You do not curse like a sailor even if that motherfucking bitch sitting a few feet away from your table dared look at your man. Smile politely at his jokes even if you want to roll your eyes so far into your head you might just pass out.

 

A lady knows how to please her man.

Yeah I know. We were all sniggering behind our hands. Get your head out of the gutter. Let me rephrase that. A lady knows how to make her man feel like buffalo wrestling, axe-wielding, female swooning male life form. Better?

Men do so love a damsel in distress that they can sweep off their pretty little feet. Don’t lie to us, you so do. It’s okay, because a lady knows how and when to ask for assistance even if she’s wholly capable of doing it herself. Men love feeling like protectors in the relationship and if you allow him to save you from the invisible woman eating raisin dwarves every now and then he’ll love you more for it. Sure the modern woman needs no man, yada yada yada but this is an inborn instinct and you can only use it to your advantage. But don’t go soft either. You should let him assist you in your endeavors yes, but subtly let him know that you could do it yourself as well.

 

Enjoy the fact that you are a woman and men will enjoy it too. Being a lady is last and foremost carrying yourself with confidence. It is sexier than any low cut dress…

Relationship Advice from an Idiot

Dating an introvert: the fun, the chicken and the downright scary.

 

Introvert: A social vegan that avoids meet. If you’re dating a creature of this type then kudos to you. Introverts are like cats. We are loyal lovers, tending to be more selective with whom we show our love and affection and we don’t just wag our tails for anyone. We are independent creatures that don’t need a lot of attention and hype to feel good and we have simple needs:

Food + affection + quiet comforts = happy introverts.

That all sounds wonderful to another introvert but what happens when an extrovert dates an introvert? How do you deal with this aloof creature that one seconds wants your undivided attention and then in the next dismisses you with a flourish?

 

Survival tips for courting an introvert:

Getting them to express themselves is like pulling teeth. Painful.

Introverts don’t want to discuss their “feelings” or have a formal conversation about their emotions. They prefer dealing with their bullshit on their own. Unlike most people, introverts don’t need other people to help them cope with their problems. They prefer to slay their demons on their own… with pointy things and lots of crying in the dark. When you just want to make things right or figure out what the heck they want for delivery, you have to coax them into talking or just leave them alone for a few days to just “deal” and then everything will be okay. Trust me, I have a marshmallow.

 

Just as nature detests a vacuum, we detest vacuous small talk.

Translation? Meaningless conversations are a no-no. Our energy is limited, partly because a lot of it is expended by frolicking in our minds and we don’t like wasting it on meaningless activities. Like small talk. Small talk is the bane of our existence. We hate it. We want to throw it into a volcano and watch it burn. If you have a death wish and want to die a slow and painful death then engage in small talk with an introvert. If their stare doesn’t kill you, the vacuum that is formed probably will.

 

Silence is only awkward if you make it awkward.

So you’ve hit a little snag and the conversation has stopped dead. It’s silent. You can hear your own breathing. It’s horrifying. Your toes are starting to twitch. Your palms become sweaty. You don’t have anything to say and the panic starts to claw at you like a rabid bunny with a bow on its head.

 

Chillax brother. While you’re silently freaking out like an introvert that just send a friend request to their crush… Said introvert is perfectly comfortable. Yes cupcake, you read that right. While you slowly slipped into your panic induced state, the introvert of your affections has been arguing with the voices in her head. You only think it’s awkward because silence is not a natural state for you. It’s perfectly natural to us though. In fact, sometimes it’s preferred.

Introverts love cuddling. Instead of you know… freaking out, why don’t you pull your introvert into your arms and enjoy the silence together.

I know right? Madness.

 

We hate the phone. Oh, dear BURRITOS, do we hate the phone.

That “rule” about dating, where you’re supposed to call after three days? Or how people will say that, in dating, calling is preferable to texting because it’s more personal or thoughtful or whatever? Bullshit. Crap. Twak. Nada. Please don’t call us. A phone call is intrusive, it disturbs us and catches us off-guard, and it is often filled with superfluous small talk. Yes – small talk. Ingrain that into your brain if you must.

Also texting. If your instincts are to just send text messages all day all week with no tea breaks, it’s not any better than calling. We can ignore them for a while. Heck we can ignore them for daaaays but that’s not the problem. It’s seeing those notifications pop up just knowing that you’re waiting for a response and that causes uncalled for amounts of anxiety. Nail biting agony. Look don’t get me wrong, we are not completely against conversations on the phone. If it doesn’t happen too often and the conversations are fun, it’s chilled. It’s those conversations that have no value. You know… SMALL TALK. Dum dum duuuuuuuuum. I wouldn’t touch that with a ten foot pole. Small talk in person is bad enough. Small talk over texting is like throwing gasoline over yourself and striking a match while yodelling Justin Bieber.

 

Don’t expect us to be available at a moment’s notice.

“What are you doing tonight?” are the five worst words we can receive in a text message. It’s not that we don’t like going out — we love it! We just have to mentally prepare ourselves for it. If your introverted other has been assuming that he or she will be spending the evening stuffing Oreos in their mouth and playing video games then that is what they are doing. Disrupting that is traumatizing. For them, not for you and you will probably have a very sour, grumpy hoodie glaring at you the entire night if you drag them away from it.

By the by… this is what we mean when we respond with: “Sorry, I already have plans.” We are not making up excuses or going behind your back to do unholy things. We have plans. They don’t involve other people. Respect that. If the need to see your lover is very great and you’re willing just to hold them while they engage in whatever they had planned for the night… then you’d probably score on the brownie points big time. It would mean that you are understanding and totally get that they need their me time… Wink wink, nudge, nudge.

 

Just because we need quiet time doesn’t mean we expect you to do the same.

We understand our need to retreat into a corner and vegate AWAY from other people can be a bummer. There are weekends that we don’t want to leave the house. We want to leave parties early and there are social situations we just blatantly avoid but we’re not unreasonable human beings. If you want to go out and do shit, then go out and do shit. Don’t let us stop you, just don’t try to force us to go with you and don’t make us feel like horrible people that should not walk this earth because of it. We already spend enough time feeling like we’re kicking everyone’s puppies around us.

 

We just want to feel safe and cherished.

We need to know that we can be our natural reclusive selves without worrying about pommeling your feelings into the ground or being judged for who we are. NOTHING will shut us down faster than hearing something like, “C’mon, what’s your deal?” or “Why are you being difficult?” or any other similar nonsense. This is the way we are. This is the way we have always been. This makes us feel deficient and we end up apologizing for ourselves a lot for not being “normal” or “typical.” There’s a reason we can seem guarded with our hearts: because we sure as hell are.

 

We’re loyal, supportive, and uplifting partners who will listen to you and want you to be happy.

If you need constant validation for every minor day-to-day achievement, we might not make good partners. We might just roll our eyes. We are often very independent creatures that don’t require constant love and affection and reassurance and quite often we might seem aloof and uncaring. However, if you’re looking for someone that will always listen (we are very good listeners), that is more than happy to let you shine and take the spotlight, that put things in perspective when the feels get too pressing and can look past your bullshit… Then head on.

Otherwise run in the other direction.