I salute you, dear mother.

I was inspired to write this after reading this post… Thanks Katie, you really helped a girl out. I was blank. Now I’m not. Yay to the chickens of the world. Anyway, todayis Mother’s day as you all know or should. If you don’t and this is news to you, I sincerely hope you don’t have a mother with a lawnmower and she is not afraid to use it… She might mow your lawn – – – the horror…

As for my own mother… Well… My mother…

Where do I start?

I had previously written a letter to her. However, her antics seem to multiply like bacteria. My dear mother, you drive me insane but I love you none the less. And she calls me embarassing. Mother, how am I suppose to look cool when you are always fiddling with me? Grooming me, cleaning my face with your saliva (S-A-L-I-V-A) and straightening my clothes? Didn’t you know that looking like a hobo in the making is the new in thing? I mean just look at the fashion this year. Speaking of fashion, since when is wearing ice cream cool? I don’t want to look like a unicorn threw up on me… Then again it is that or dress like a granny. Seriously? Red and pukey green don’t go together and neither do granny pants and a hoodie… Mother will agree of course. That reminds me, I want my shoes back. Don’t deny it, I know you are holding them hostage. What white shirt? I’ve never heard of this “white shirt” you speak of. Madness!

I had the oddest conversation this morning…

Me: “Good morning mother, you do realize it is mother’s day right?”

Mother: “Yes and?”

Me: “Don’t you want to do something today?”

Mother: “Not really, no.”

Madness. The one other day she has the opportunity to lord over us and demand ridiculous things she just goes on without giving a damn. That is Mother for you. Born out of a different egg. I’m starting to wonder whether if we might be from the same drain. The most original and strangest woman you will ever meet, yet she never fails to amaze me. Always working, never backing down and always, always stayng true to herself… Batshit crazy. I love you mother. Who wants to be in an insane asylum when your mother is the equivalent of crazy? Definitely not I.

It is not easy being a mother, if it were easy, fathers would do it. So if you really want to make your mother’s day special, or whenever you feel the need… Like when you are staring murderously at the salad that caused all your suffering…

How to love your mother.

Love her verbally. Women always need to hear the words: I Love You. Females love talking and if you really want to show your momma how much you love her, tell her often, she’ll appreciate it. Trust me.

Don’t tell her she is fat. Don’t even pull a face at her. She has a curling iron. And sharp pointy shoes. And a glare that could freeze hell over. I am not kidding here. You thought serial killers were scary? Piss your mother off and we’ll talk again.

You owe it all to her. This is the woman that endured pain beyond comprehension to bring your screaming little ass into this life. You would be an idiot and possibly in the danger of being hit over the head with something unmentionable if you dare think otherwise than to worship the ground she walks on. No matter how crazy she drives you and how many of your bedroom doors she has broken down to ruin your life.

Love her physically: When’s the last time you gave her a big hug without her asking for it…or a slobbery kiss on the cheek, or just sat on the couch and held her for a change? She is a woman after all and there is nothing most women love more than being loved physically. If you are a boy and think that is the uncoolest thing ever… Remember, your mother has a curling iron and a handbag. Beware.

Love her patiently. No matter how many doors she has broken down, how many boyfriends, girlfriends she has scared off, embarassing moments she has caused and times she has driven you crazy… Love your mother always. Patiently. Remember she changed your diapers, tried not to kill you when you started screaming bloody murder in public and grinned and endured you drooling on her favourite dress. You have nothing to complain about.

Love her gratefully. When is the last time you have said thank you? Thank you mother for always being there. Thank you Mother for not strangling me in public when I threw my attitude at you. Thank you mother for feeding me, clothing me, encouraging me (turning me into a crazy person…), washing my dirty clothes where spiders might be trapped in (You scream louder at the sight of them than I do…) and loving me even when I don’t deserve it.

Love her forgivingly. She is human. She is not made of money. She tries to do the right thing. Yet she is still human. Your mother makes mistakes too just like you. Forgive her for it. She is trying even though you don’t always appreciate it. She always forgives you when you do something stupid, now it is your turn not to roll your eyes.

Just keep it simple, and give her the greatest gift of all:

When your mother offers you advice and you snidely say no, it is a mere formality. She is going to tell you anyway whether you want to hear it or not and often you end thinking in the end: “She was right.” Yeah… Moms’ are badass like that…