Things that fascinate me or in your case: pure nonsense.

When you live life like I do, people tend to scream and run in horror. Don’t know why really, maybe it’s Katherine? Have you met Katherine? No? Oh you’re going to love him…

Katherine.

Katherine is a ghost. If the universe had truly loved me, Katherine would have been a polka dot chicken made of cotton candy that can shoot rainbow saliva from his eyes (he would have been a girl too) but the universe doesn’t love me so Katherine is a male ghost. With an obsession with socks. There is a very good reason why the socks keep disappearing in the house. However Mother doesn’t believe me when I tell her that Katherine stole them (he’s building a nest for his eggs. How he is going to get them much less lay them is beyond me but I’m really not going to ask any questions. If Katherine wants eggs, I suppose Katherine will find those eggs…) and that we will probably never see them ever again for they are now covered in baby drool… of some kind… I’m not sure I whish to know which kind. Katherine enjoys stealing socks, hiding under my bed, rattling my dresses in my closet for his own amusement while I’m trying to sleep and stealing men from right under my nose. How he manages that is a mystery for they can’t see him nor can I… Which means he is but a figment of my imagination or he is fig jam…? I prefer fig jam.

Crayons.

Have you ever stuck one up your nose? Pure bliss if you ask me. That is if you’re a child, if you’re not I’ll appoint you to my psychiatrist’s friend because my own psychiatrist might me in the loony bin because I refused to name the black blotch on a piece of paper and when he lost his marbles… I might have burned the fish tank down. The fish smelled wonderful if you were wondering. No I don’t make burning down fish tanks a hobby; I rather prefer trying to make chickens out of soup. Anyway back to crayons, they are colourful, made of wax and really? Why am I even talking about crayons? What do crayons have to do with the bigger picture? Why is there a dead fly against my window…?

When you nudge a person snoring next to you and they stop… for a while.

I don’t have personal experience (Okay I do but the person in question might kill me… slowly so I’ll shut up about it and destroy my parents internet reputations instead. Because I’m a loving daughter.) But my mother tried it once, twice, I’m lying… she has lost count and guess what, it doesn’t work. It also doesn’t work when you wake up one night and hear vivacious singing next to you only to realize your loving husband is playing guitar – in his sleep and you yell really really loud for him to shut up – only he doesn’t – he keeps on rocking till the wee hours of the night. The reason why it doesn’t really help to stop a snoring person is because inside all of us resides a sloppy goo that works great to scare of potential mates if you hold it into the air, that oozes around as gravity dictates. Snoring occurs when brisk breathing causes the fleshy bits that reside in your head to vibrate, turning your upper respiratory tract into a pretty creepy-looking reed instrument because your muscles are relaxed during sleep and the soft tissue that is your breathing equipment tend to… bulge, droop or otherwise relocate and narrow the airway. Nudging a snoring person unblocks the airway for a brief moment and then the goo dictates your sleep again by re-blocking the airway and that’s why it doesn’t work. Well that’s how I understand it. If by any chance you did not understand a word of what I just said, here it is in retard: duh, yada, blah blah blah, yada, yada, duh, ooh cookie.

Saliva

What is saliva? It’s that gooey stuff babies and dogs use to keep me far-far away from them. I love dogs, but their saliva doesn’t love me. So every time a dog tries being all doggy like and friendly, I freak out as if a spider is crawling up my back. Saliva and I don’t agree. As in seriously we don’t agree, I want cheese, saliva wants sardines. What do sardines have to do with the greater picture? We all know everyone will be drowning in diabolical cheese sauce one day but sardines? Madness! Saliva consists of 99.5% water and 0.5% other stuff like bacteria that can crawl up your nose and eat your brain, mucus which is the primary substance that makes me fear for my life and other unmentionables. You see why I don’t like saliva? It has mucus in and mucus just sounds terrible. As in spectate and laugh in glee while the bacteria slowly suck your brain away with a straw terrible.

The Five second rule

The picture says it all.