I find myself inexplicably in that time of the year again. Exams… Record exams… I can already feel the excess sweat because of stress threatening to drown me. Why do we sweat when we are stressed? That’s disgusting; can’t I rather ooze chocolate or marshmallows? I want to ooze marshmallows please.
. . .
I’m not oozing marshmallows. Curse it. That’s not fair, how am I supposed to enjoy panicking if marshmallows refuse to secrete out of my pores? Now there is an image even I could have done without… Right. Panicking in all its forms is a bad idea and should rather be avoided even if you are pretty sure you will ooze something edible instead of something nasty. If that happens please call me. So what is the cause of panic or stress to manifest in all its unwanted glory? That would be studying… or you thinking that you are studying. You are not studying. Not the right way at least. What? Can’t handle the truth? Well I hope you enjoy the oasis under your arms and other unmentionable places because marshmallows definitely aint coming out of there. You are digging own grave without realizing it.
Things you think are helping you while studying but really are not…
Osmosis doesn’t work.
Look I’ve tried it… and tried it… and tried it again… and tried it again just because… and tried again because the voices decided that one more try would work… and tried it… and licked my elbow… and still I tried it… IT DOES NOT WORK. I know right? How can something so positively sciency and ingenious work for other organisms but not us? I mean come on, how is placing your books under your pillow and sleeping on it not an effective means of studying? Building a library on your table also seems to be failing in the absorbing knowledge department…
Osmosis doesn’t work. It never will. You might want to change your pants… Peeing yourself in horror would be considered an appropriate response but do not fear. Simply take a deep breath and tell yourself it is not your fault that you are trying to cram three months of work the night before a test with a method that any sensible idiot would never use. Oh I’m sorry I thought you already knew.
Highlighters are not magic.
If your work looks like a unicorns threw up on it and then continued onward to lick the page then congratulations you’ve reverted back to your childhood logic “I’ll colour the most essential parts of my work in! Yay!” This is the appropriate response for teenagers well and truly in the grasp of panicking madness. Unfortunately the colours won’t suddenly cause a rainbow of information to explode in your brain in glorified studyingness. You might have a seizure. That’s a possibility. Why don’t you try summarizing your work instead?
Stop nest building.
You are not a bird, neither are you Katherine. In times of stress you spend hours crafting the perfect study nest to defend yourself from realizing that you have not even started yet and time is ticking oh so quickly. Remember we do not secrete marshmallows no matter how badly we want to. Spending your time nest building might chase the guilt away for a while but if you are going to go with the everything has to be perfect, you are just finding more reasons not to actually study. Don’t do that, think of unicorns and rainbows.
Don’t micro focus.
Some students think the best studying is super-slow studying: (like a turtle on tranquilizer) reading every word, one by one; writing every word of their paper, one by one; writing a summery, one word at a time. Dude not only are you preparing yourself for a blissful time in sleepy-land (to be followed by a panic attack and digging of one’s own grave) but you are also wasting so much time. Studying is the delicate art of cramming as much as you can into your chocked mind in the shortest amount of time and not ending up banging your head against the wall with two straws shoved up your nose.
Don’t just memorize.
There it is. Probably the most important point of them all. It’s useless to just shovel stuff into your head that you don’t understand. It’s like baking a pie and then smashing your face into it only to wash it off and feed the rest to your pet jelly bean. Completely and utterly a waste of time and effort. Everybody knows jelly beans don’t like pie. You’ve probably just scarred your poor pet for life. Shame on you.
A life in S.A 