How to Adult (Part 1)

I is an adult. I is not happy. Adulting is not fun. Adulting can go suck a frog foot. It’s the bills, the rent, the calling the doctor by yourself when you are sick. Doing your own laundry, doing your taxes, being responsible, feeding yourself and all the little things in between.

Being an adult is probably the dumbest thing I have ever done.

There is no manual, no how-to adult book with a definite answer which is handed to you when you turn 18. Hell, there isn’t even an official age when you are considered an adult.  It all depends on your mental age, how many sea monkeys you can juggle at once, the state of the moon in alignment with the tree down the street and your cat’s mood. You could be 40 and still don’t know whether you’re actually considered an adult or not.

Is it when you move out then? Is it when you leave high school? Is it when you make your first doctor’s appointment all by yourself? Or do you still call and beg your mother to do it?

Perhaps Adult isn’t something you are but something you do. A verb and not a noun. You can be a grown ass woman/man and still beat the kids to the ice cream truck when you hear its ever annoying tune blasting down your street. Or ambling rather.

Undoubtedly the most important lesson and the first thing you must learn in order to start adulting properly is:

You are not that special

(But appreciate those who disagree with the above) The world does not revolve around you. Nobody cares about you except your parents, on your good days, and your best friends, maybe that one teacher that let you hide in the classroom during recess that one time as well.

People are too busy with their own problems to care that you accidentally placed the ice cream in the fridge and now it’s melted. Ranting about it on Facebook only serves as temporary 2 second amusement before the 2/1007 friends who bothered to read it, forget about it and move on with their own lives.

This directly ties to: Be okay with being alone

You do not need a girlfriend/boyfriend or an x amount of friends to be happy or fulfilled. Learn that there are going to be times that you’re going to want a watch movie and literally no one has time to accompany you. Eventually, you’re going to swallow your dread and go anyway. You’re going to stand there, alone, by yourself, waiting to enter the movie theatre. People are going to think you’re a loser because you’re standing there all by yourself with no one to talk to.

WRONG.

This is what they’re really thinking in some form or another: “I wonder if toasters are secretly alive and only pretending to be inanimate objects.”

Seriously. They are probably not even going to pay attention to you unless they secretly want to squeeze your marshmallows…

Learn to be domestic

Another moment when you may be jolted into being an adult is the day you run out of toilet paper when you need it the most. When you realise it is NOT an infinite resource and must be monitored like a bloody panda.

Food does not magically appear in your fridge and dust accumulates on every surface possible. You’ll soon be arming yourself with surface cleaner and 3 different colour rags because nothing scares dust more than a well put together grown up that knows how to adult like a pro. You’ll have to start creating grocery lists and forgetting them every time.

No one is going to remove spider bro, casually hanging in the corner of your room. You’ll either have to deal with him or burn down your house/apartment. A friendly neighbourhood lady, whose name you’ll never remember, isn’t going to be knocking on your door and asking you whether you accidentally spilled milk all over yourself and offer to do your laundry.

You are responsible for the dead things your cat brings into your house. In pieces. You are responsible for cleaning your dirty plates before ecosystems form on them and you accidentally breed a new strain of deadly, leg eating bacteria.

Luckily you are not alone. There are billions of people all over the world that have managed to successfully adult and not kill themselves in the process. If they can do it, so can you. Until you accidentally drop a bag of frozen peas on your foot and your world effectively ends in pain and misery.

Learn to cook. At least how to boil water. Learn to do your own laundry. Red and white do not go together unless you really like pink. Google is your friend.

Knowing that mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, isn’t going to help you change the lightbulb or be a functioning adult.

To be continued…