(Yet again I find myself in the situation of having to write a bloody essay for school. So here it is… The topic I chose was a picture of baby. Enjoy)


Anyone who has ever encountered babies in their natural environment can tell you the drooling balls of adorable are masters at manipulation and making your life miserable. Babies are evil… and I can prove it.

Babies drink milk….yours. Vampires drink blood…yours. Get the idea? Babies cannot survive without the sustaining milk you produce like a cow on tap and neither can a vampire without your blood. Both scream bloody murder at the touch of too much sun on milky-pale skin. Please panic and pass out now, then continue reading. You cannot disagree with this whether you are a mother or a rainbow squirrel.

Newborns sleep all day and are wide awake at night. Humans need sleep, babies don’t. Logic dictates that babies are aliens.  They cry at such excruciating frequencies that it sounds exactly like an extra-terrestrial broadcast to a mother ship that the time is ripe to take over the world. I rest my case.

What??? I’m not delusional.

However, it also seems insane that a barely functioning human being could already be cunning enough to pretend to get out of trouble, but it’s true. The little darlings start pretending before they could even speak. Scientists have found that by the age of just six months teeny tots were already “fake crying” and “pretend laughing” to get attention. They also know when to  pause briefly for effect and wait for the correct response from suffering and panicky parents before carrying on with the crocodile tears. Evil genius, I say.

How much more proof do you need? Babies are evil, they pretend, suck you dry and rarely sleep just to make sure you realize who wear the pants in this unequal relationship.

There is a remedy. It’s called cough syrup. Dispense, wait….and remember to sleep when the baby sleeps. They hate that.


Posted on August 5, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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