I’m still alive here…

Sooo…

This is awkward. Not really, you probably have no idea what I’m talking about since the probability of you ever returning here once you have seen this obscurity that is my non-existent-existent blog is zero to none. So welcome Random Stranger to my blog. Yes, yes I know. I’ve already done the whole introduction thing of hello world, this is me and my blog which I am convinced will be the most awesomest thing ever (as is every other aspiring blogger out there)… like a year ago. You can keep hitting that previous posts button until you find it if you’re ever curious enough. But your laziness is apparent and I’ll spare you the pain… so don’t do it. That’s right, don’t hit that button, don’t you dare. There is nothing of interest. I am starting anew. I haven’t been on this site in months because I’m a horrible person and a damn lazy one.

But I have a valid excuse this time.

Yes I do.

Your eyes are going to fall out if you keep rolling them around like that. I swear one moment you’ll be doing that whatever whoever you are and your random ass blog I so accidentally stumbled on and the next moment… BAM! No more eyes for you, you must look really odd staring up at yourself. Watch out for the eye eating budgies while you gape like a goldfish at yourself. You should probably go the hospital though; I hear randomly losing one’s eyeballs is bad for your health. What? I caused this? Nonsense, I was just here minding my own business and contemplating whether I should make a valuable contribution to society by writing something meaningful… Which I’m like totally doing now for your information. FYI.

Right… where was I? Ohhh, that’s right. I have this perfectly valid excuse for staying away so long. What was it again…? Oh yes… It’s a little thing called I have no life anymore a.k.aUniversity. That’s right, I’m one of the big kids now, see my awesome My Little Pony backpack and shaky legs. I’m totally owning this. No? You don’t believe me? Pffft, who needs you anyway, Random Stranger, you don’t know me or my dead windowsill flies. That’s right, I’m awesome and I collect dead flies.

Ok, ok, I’ll stop now. I came here for a reason.

Dear Random Stranger and any non-existent returning guests.

I sincerely apologize for staying away so long yet I cannot promise you, my adoring Random Stranger, any regular posts but I’ll certainly try, while wearing my undies upsidedownupdownleftright. They have pink toads on them… or is it llamas? I can never decide.

Just a bit of useless information and an excuse.

FYI.

How to hunt a toaster.

We all know what they look like, small… shiny… and capable of mass destruction if you ever are dumb enough to stick a fork in there.

A toaster is a small land crustacean and it is generally shiny and box-like. The toaster has an aluminium exoskeleton with up to four slots that make up the mouth. Protruding from the outer shell is a lever that is pushed down to consume prey. Also present is a dial determining how much of the prey is to be consumed or rather “roasted.” The toaster’s natural habitat ranges from kitchen counters to the back of creepy-stalker-dude-that-still-lives-with-his-mom’s scary, dark room. On the evolutionary tree, toasters are very closely related to appliances like the microwave. Toaster ovens as you would naturally expect are in fact NOT as closely related to toasters as one would think but more closely related to the oven, however toaster ovens share DNA with toasters which strongly suggests that they share an ancestor. Toasters are ferocious predators that prey on hapless creatures like sliced bread, loafed bread, bagels, waffles, pancakes, occasional paper money and even a few fingers if it’s really hungry.

So, you’re probably wondering why the hell you should know any of this. Know thy enemy my dear student for it will help you in your conquest when hunting these dangerous predators.

How to hunt a toaster.

Gather all your supplies and make a checklist of what you will need.

Hunting toasters is a serious business and your wits will be tested. Compiling a list of supplies is crucial in your conquest of slaying these dangerous and menacing creatures. You will need a spatula to slap the appliance away if it would dare to come too close, a plate to ward off any deranged attacks from flying crumbs, a knife to impale unsuspecting loafs of bread to use them as bait and lastly a fork if it ever leads to the last fatal confrontation. I sincerely hope for your sake that never happens.

Make sure you have your mother’s permission, hunting marshmallow, the right ammo, stylish sunglasses, emergency butter, oven mitt, extra underwear and anything else you deem necessary.

You can’t just jump right into the fray and start slaying toasters left and right. Have you met your mother? Exactly. Now unless you want to be hit over the head with a wooden spoon or worse I strongly suggest you get her permission to kill the uncivilized toaster in her kitchen. If that is out of the question, bribe her with a spa date and hope and pray that she’s the forgiving type. When hunting toasters, always bring your marshmallow with you as a morale boost or something to lick seductively in case you need to seduce the coffee machine… we’ll look the other way. Toasters can only be killed with homemade spoon bows that use half rusted spoons as arrows. Anything else will only piss it off and might just singe your eyebrows. Stylish sunglasses is a must for menacing poses while hunting out these aloof creatures, trust me, the toaster doesn’t want some fashion NO-NO moron hunting it. Emergency butter must only be used… excuse me I lost the script. Figure it out. An oven mitt is crucial when wrangling the hissing toaster, don’t want to burn yourself on hot toast, now do you? And please… for all intents and purposes, when taking your victory photo… wear appropriate clothing… No one is interested in your Hello Kitty undies and yes I’m talking to you male life forms.

When stalking your toasty prey, make sure not to fart.

The process of hunting a toaster is quite simple.

Step 1: Find a corner.

Step 2: Peer around the corner.

Step 3: Lick the wall and wink at your marshmallow.

Step 4: Marinate yourself and stick jelly babies all over your body. This will disguise your scent and make the toaster unable to smell you.

Step 5: Lick lips in anticipation while trying not to freak the cat out.

Step 6: Do a burrito roll into the pantry while humming your own personal theme song.

Step 7: Search for the toaster.

Step 8: When the toaster has been spotted, take out your spoon bow, have the butter ready, stab the bread and lastly do not look down… there is a spider crawling over your big toe but that is not an issue right now.

Step 9: I’ll wait while you silently freak out and try to drown it in the sugar.

Step 9.1: Are you still busy with that spider? Honestly just step on it or something. Oh really? You forgot to wear pants? What did I say about undie photos?

Step 9.1.2: Oh the spider is dead? Took you long enough. Okay, okay, ready your spoon bow.

Step 10: Take aim and shoot the toaster. If the spoon bounces off, that’s okay, spoons were never meant to kill toasters in the first place and you should probably start running now.

Step 11: I hear toasters have an appetite for retreating heels, I wonder if that’s true.

Step 12: Oh you’re hiding in the closet? Some toaster hunter you are, pfffft.

Loser.

Pencils.

Sooo what, it’s been like four weeks. Hey don’t look at me like that! I was busy, yeah I was busy… Oh what. now you’re rolling your eyes. What if a marshmallow ate them? How’d you like that eye roller? Pffft ridiculous. I do actually have a valid excuse. It is called… END YEAR EXAMS. Baduuuum! Yeah you heard me, yours truly was in the evil clutches of pieces of paper that will determine my life as I know it… I screwed this up… I would have been screwed well and truly…. SO want to know how I survived? So do I…

How to choose a pencil.

Consider how you use a pencil.

What do you do with your pencil? Do you write? Do homework? Do you clean your ears with it? Do you stab people with it? Do you use it as a lightsaber and pretend to be half peanut ninja? Do you press heavily or lightly when you write or draw. Do you prefer a fine line or a bold one? (Marshmallows or peanuts.) Do you tend to lose, loan out, chew, or mistreat your pencils, or do they get stored safely in a cup or pouch or in a dark corner in your pants? Do you carry your pencil in a pocket or purse where a sharp point could do damage? Like stabbing the chocolate you keep hidden there? You know a pencil mark on chocolate is not very appealing. Do you wear the erasers down to a stump or tend to lose eraser caps? Do you erase very little, so that the eraser dries up? Do you like chewing your pencil?

Notice what you like and don’t like about the pencils you already have around.

If you are anything like me, you’d probably have pencils lying between the couch cushions, in the fridge, stabbed into mushrooms, glued to the ceiling… You know, perhaps but only perhaps when you bought that pencil it meant something special to you at that time and finding it in your heart to give the pencil covered in your goldfish’s saliva a second chance might just solve your pencil problems…

Decide between a mechanical pencil and a traditional pencil.

Mechanical pencils don’t need sharpening, but they do need a supply of the right size lead. You know those flimsy grey little sticks that snap easily and stab you unexpectedly in the finger whenever you innocently reach into your pencil case for your hidden stash of eraser ammo? Traditional pencils don’t need evil little sticks but they do need the comforting embrace of a pencil sharpener. And what do pencil sharpeners do to pencils? They excrete pencil droppings alllll over your desk, so really the choice is between pencil poop or being stabbed for the rest of your life.

Convenience is everything

When you are sucking your thumb for answers you can’t have a bothersome pencil, you need a quiet one that just lies there obediently while you useless grope for answers in the dark recesses of your mind only to find that you stashed cheetos there. What did you do? Shove them through your nose and then forgot? At least you have a snack and can maybe create cheetos art on your paper.

Look for other features according to your needs.

Does it have a built-in eraser? Is there a little cap to chew on when staring off into oblivion? On a mechanical pencil, does it advance by clicking the side or the top, or by some other means, such as twisting or angrily throwing it against the wall? How sturdy is the construction of the pencil? Does it snap when you hit the moron sitting next to you over the head? Does it have a comfortable, soft grip? How much does the pencil cost? Does the pencil shut up when you are trying to think?

Pencils are very important equipment with which one must complete one’s exam paper. What’s the point of an eraser if you have no pencil to make it miserable with?

 

Biology… or rather how to fail school.

Ah school, who needs it anyway. It’s not like you need an education and just winging it with Google as your support is a sure fire way to show the world what smart really is… I mean come on, who needs algebra when it is perfectly sane to microwave your cell phone and “hope” nothing happens because you know in that pea sized brain of yours that your “education” ensure that nothing stupid will ever happen. But wait… you are in school, how horrifying. How are you suppose ensure that your smartitude stays is place when it is slowly being corrupted with the stale air of your classroom.

How to fail school.

  1. Always arrive late. (By doing this you ensure that you miss everything important because the important is usually said in the mornings when you are trying not to be early.)
  2. Never slip into your desk quietly.  Instead, make a “big production” of entering the room by interrupting the class in session, dropping your books on the floor, etc. (Eating armadillo poop in front of everyone, picking at your ear, licking the hamster… things like that will ensure that your teacher is pissed very quickly and you might even get a free ticket  out of there… detention. Oh wait that only applies for after school. Oh well, more school!! Not what you were aiming for… Yeah I have no advice here for you.) Better yet, don’t have your books with you.
  3. Never bring a pencil to class.  Always borrow someone’s and forget to give it back. By the end of the year, you will have an entire collection of different sized pencils, an array of pissed off fellow class mates and a failure. Well done.
  4. Never bring notebook paper.  Let other people spend their money on paper and you just keep borrowing from them. Look you’re saving trees here right? If you don’t buy your own notebook paper you’re saving trees right? Right?
  5. Never, ever, do your homework.  All the other kids will have done the homework differently but you? You will have done nothing. Nothing every time, so much nothing that the teacher will have to admire your consistency.  If you keep this up you’ll be awarded a failure.
  6. Lose your textbook the first few weeks of school so you will have an excuse for not reading your assignments. This is part of not doing your homework. If you still have the books the teacher will sniff them out like a bloodhound and then what? You’d actually have to do your homework – sort of – but if I “lost” them, then there is absolutely nothing anyone can do. Poor anyone and a nice failure for you.
  7. Say, “This is BORING!” loudly every five minutes or so, especially if the classroom is quiet. This might not earn you failure, probably a hard slap; however this will contribute to a failure if you follow the above steps.
  8. Ask, “Why do we have to do this stuff?” as often as possible. You’ll have to listen to the teacher preach to you as to why all the crap we do in school is important but at least at the end of the day you will have a perfect non-perfect reason to fail school.
  9. After the teacher says, “turn to page 36″, say, “What page?” Not only will you slightly annoy the human being standing in front of you, but also ensure a looming failure at some point. Of course this is all moot if you lost your books…
  10. When your group or partner is depending on you, show up unprepared. Better yet, don’t show up at all. You’ve got better things to do than some boring assignment, let them do all the work. You have purple squirrels that shoot gumballs from their eyes to chase across highways.
  11. If you absolutely can’t talk in class, fall asleep instead of working on your next assignment. You want to go to CandyMountain right? So? What better way to do it than go to sleep in the middle of class. It’s not like anything important is going to happen in any case so why should you care?
  12. Irritate the student that sits in front of you by banging the back of their chair or making strange noises. You’re sending a message to the aliens. There is no better way to do it than that method… You might get slapped, but the aliens man… Or perhaps you want to let the local cockroaches know that the mission has been compromised or… maybe… you just want to irritate the “idiot” in front of you.
  13. Stay up as late as possible so you will be sleepy in class. You can’t go to CandyMountain if you’re well rested. What better way to ensure the possibility than staying up late counting your teeth and stuffing cookie crumbs in your ears?

 

Welcome to Africa

I’ve already done a post more or less like this one but there are so many mysteries and myths surrounding this beloved, scorching continent I live on that I just had to extend it and blog about it once again. I live in South Africa, a little country at the bottom of Africa that is known for its biltong and pet lions…

Without further ado… Myths and misconceptions about Africa.

Africa is a country.

Look we all know you are a natural born genius and all but honestly, have you looked at a map recently? Do you see those 54 independent, unique countries that dot the CONTINENT Africa? Here let me provide you with glasses and solid hit over the head. Do you want guess how many languages are spoken in Africa? Did you guess 200? No? Shame on you, I’m really starting to wonder whether you got your education from a human being or a retarded monkey-donkey. The CONTINENT Africa is a lot bigger than most people think; in fact you could fit the USA into Africa three times. How is that for math?

Africa is dangerous and violent

Have you seen my (non-existent) weapons armoury? I make a habit of killing at least one person every Sunday because, hello? That’s what Africans do, isn’t it? We are a violent, bloodthirsty nation with nothing better to do than kill each other and eat bugs… Yeah no. Ignore the wars, pirates and children soldiers the news keep shoving down your throat. It’s the news, they tell you its good a day and then continue onward to contradict themselves, ignore them. Africa is as violent as any other continent. (Yeah you heard me North-America, Asia)

Africa is filled with dangerous animals roaming freely

Did I mention my lion named Fluffy? No? Probably because I don’t have one… because you know I have the will to live and not end up on Fluffy’s dinner plate.  If I had a pet lion I’d be dead and my bones used by Katherine to hit people over the head. Animals don’t roam free in our cities. Sure there are crocodiles living in the water hazards of some of our golf courses and rhinos graze just a few miles from the centre of Nairobi but for the most part our animals are safely confined in reserves and national parks where you as a tourist can happily snap away at them with a camera while your children nag you to pet the lion.

Africa is poor and disease ridden.

Let’s ignore the fact that I, as an African, have a computer, and a home, and I go to school. Let’s ignore all the millions of other people in my city that lives in their own homes, have jobs and watch their kids play rugby on the weekends. I’m dying by the way… yeah; I didn’t get that last piece of pie so I’ve decided I’m dying of depression. Oh… you thought I was dying of sickness weren’t you? Yeah no, we have hospitals for that, did I mention our hospitals? No? Well now you know. Malaria you say? Nah, we have bug spray for that. Aids? Don’t tell me you don’t know how to avoid that… In Africa, you are more likely to die of sun exposure because you were under the impression that sun block was unnecessary than something as uncommon as malaria and all the other sicknesses that we are plagued with daily. Yeah, riiiiiight. We have our poor like any other country; we have our diseases like any other country.

Africa has no history

Riiiight, no settlers, wars, struggles for power or chicken scratch on our cave walls… because we never did that did we? If you believe that evolution really did happen then there is nothing like the Out of Africa theory because we are a historical stump of a continent. We never did anything; in fact we just got here. Hey guys look at that, they have rocks here, look at the pretty rocks, such pretty rocks…

It’s always hot in Africa

Oh look at that… a lion in the Johannesburg Zoo with snow on its head…

How to do Prom

Freaking out and standing on your head about finding a prom date? Worried about how much your limo is going to cost? How many chickens you still need to chase?

Ahh prom or as we call it here in Sunny South Africa: Matric Farewell. Mine is over and now I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. Between all of the movies and TV shows about the big night, it’s easy for silly stereotypes and super high expectations to suck the fun out of what’s supposed to be an awesome celebration of your senior year of high school.

But you don’t have to fall into that trap or stand on your head. Here are some of the biggest prom misconceptions — and all the reasons why you should not, under any circumstances, lose sleep over them this year or drown your goldfish with your stressful sweat.

You Need To Have A Date
Look having a minion to lord over and order around is fun and all but you don’t need one – not really. Having a minion isn’t going make the night more fun or less fun… it kind of just depends on you and what you make of the night. Don’t let the night and all its annoying little expectations get you down. You are a strong, independent human being and you don’t need some minion to have the best prom of your life. No, you need a fish. A big, slimy fish to carry in your purse or man bag so that you can scare people with it… because that is totally normal.

Professional Photos Are The Only Way To Go
The best kind of photographs aren’t ones that are staged with cheesy photographers and cost an arm, leg, every vital organ in your body and your goldfish — they’re the ones you take of yourselves, laughing with friends and sharing in impromptu memories. I can prove it:

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The first was taken by my mother, who by the way is not a professional photographer,  in my grandmother’s garden and the second by a friend… Now I get to pet the goldfish on the head.

Limos Are the Only Means of Transportation
There is an unlimited amount of creative ideas to get to prom and you don’t need a boring old limo. Have a carriage drawn by an array of spitting llamas while holding a cutlass and shouting deranged gibberish at the clouds.

Everything Needs To Be Traditional
Prom does not need to be one big, traditional experience based on annoying stereotypes and expectations from your parents. If you want to take the goldfish. Then take the damn goldfish. You and your date (minion) don’t have to look like matching daisy skippers to make the night work. If he wants to wear a belt made of tacos and you a fishbowl on your head, then what is stopping you?

Fancy Prom Attire Is A Must
Just because all the other girls and guys feel the need to look exactly the same just in different colours, doesn’t mean you can’t wear a unicorn flavoured tomato on your head while dressed as a pink pastry. Spending bucket loads of money is not a requirement; in fact it is quite crazy and stupid. There are many ways to dress all fancy like without having to sell your organs.

You Need To Spend A Lot Of Money 
Oh yes, selling all your organs and spending all your money on “crap” that everyone says you’ll need is a genius idea. Riiiiight. You don’t have to spend a crap ton of money to have a great prom. Using things that you already have creatively is a brilliant idea and you will definitely be unique because hello? No one else has the same kind of crap in their house available like you do…

Your Entire Grade Will Come Together And Become Best Friends Forever.
This is the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard. Everyone will not come together and sing ridiculous songs all happy snappy because hey! It’s prom and we all love each other. Girls will be checking out each other’s dresses in silent contempt, guys will be sizing each other and comparing dates. This is human nature, deal with it. This is why we have friends, so that we can hang with them and not pay attention to the underlying tension that is always and will be always there among teenagers. Whatever.

 

Embracing yer noobiness is probably a bad idea…

Ahh the wonderful world of the socially incapable. I am not referring to you genius, I am merely referring to myself and I. It has been quite a while since I’ve entered the world of online gaming. Quite an experience to be honest. I mean come on, what’s not to love of being textally abused by your fellow players. There is nothing like it, I tell you. (Did you notice it? The sarcasm dripping from my voice? Ahhh Steve would be so proud. ) Now anyway, sarcasm and duck tape aside – I have recently been acquainted with a word. That word got me thinking,

Recognize the different meanings and variations behind the word “noob”:

  • noob /n00b – an annoying player (i.e. a beggar, whiner). This does not necessarily refer to a new player, but they often go hand-in-hand. Like cheese and world domination.
  • Newbie – A new player. This is as non-insulting as it gets. Se
  • Newb – Abbreviation of “newbie”, but often confused with “Noob”.

Use an appropriate, original username/character name. You want to be special just like everyone else and if you are going to insist on creating an unoriginal totally not original username then you might as well be a sheep and smash your face into the ground everyday. If you are a famous person one day, you want to be named as AwesomeDude/Dudette not Iamaretarderpersonwhoreallyhadnothingbettertonamemyself. Seriously how the hell will you ooze awesomeness if you are named that? You will not my good madam/sir.

Don’t chat in L337SPEAK. “|3375|>34|<! 5 4|\||\|0′/!|\|&!” – you’re probably wondering what that means. Well decipherer it for yourself sucker.

Don’t beg for help. In general, it makes you look pathetic. Most experienced players, (who probably began with nothing and made their way up without begging for anything) won’t give you anything, anyway. If they could drag their asses up to supreme unNoobiness by themselves, you could probably too – probably. If all else fails eat a peanut and lick a hamster for good measure.

Be patient. If you asked for help, it may take a while for someone to respond since you know… Must not die and embrace noobness. Keep in mind that other players aren’t required to help you if they don’t want to. You are not the Queen nor are you marshmallow which means you better pray and hope the other players are nice or you could just offer them cookie crumbs and pictures of your toenails.

Do not post questions or requests in an annoying manner. Keep punctuation to a minimum, and mind your spelling and grammar. Shouting “Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!111″ won’t get you very far. As in you will leap the distance before ceremoniously kissing the floor’s metaphorical behind 0.1 feet from your starting point.

Use appropriate English punctuation. Just because we are online, doesn’t mean you get to abandon your schooling and leave it commas and what not. You are doing everyone a favour if your sentences are not one long torturous poem of “Look at me I can’t spell squat and using commas and punctuation is for total noobs and I’m just going to keep on typing and typing and typing and typing until the world eventually erupts in glorified cheese sauce and I’ll be the cheese sauce overlord and you will all lick leaves in my glory…”

Spell correctly. Don’t abbreviate or deliberately misspell words. Contrary to belief, it does not make you look any cooler to do so (beep – idiot alert) —it makes you look very immature and chronically stupid. If you really want to ask for someone’s help, then be respectful and take the time to type out normal English – you know… something we can understand and not require aliens to decipher.

Do not spam. In online gaming, spamming refers to the act of repeating something over and over again, as in copying and pasting “I need help!!” several many times. We got it the first time, yes we are ignoring you, no you can’t have my cookie crumbs – it’s mine. MINE.

Do not post garbage. This would include keyboard gibberish (“dsagterhgr,bds), or general nonsense like saying your cat just had kittens in the middle of an online match… Dude we don’t care that your cat just gave birth to kittens. No, I would rather not see you licking a cow’s tail. What? I really do not have the time to watch a tree eat a dog.

Don’t whine. Whenever the floor is wiped with you in battle or some sort of combat please stop whining about it. Just take the loss and move on and if you don’t we will come for you in the middle of the night and spray hairspray all over your lamp shade and then light it on fire before ceremoniously killing the fire and drooling on your sneakers. I am warning you.

 

How to guarantee a panic attack during exams.

I find myself inexplicably in that time of the year again. Exams… Record exams… I can already feel the excess sweat because of stress threatening to drown me. Why do we sweat when we are stressed? That’s disgusting; can’t I rather ooze chocolate or marshmallows? I want to ooze marshmallows please.

. . .

I’m not oozing marshmallows. Curse it. That’s not fair, how am I supposed to enjoy panicking if marshmallows refuse to secrete out of my pores? Now there is an image even I could have done without… Right. Panicking in all its forms is a bad idea and should rather be avoided even if you are pretty sure you will ooze something edible instead of something nasty. If that happens please call me. So what is the cause of panic or stress to manifest in all its unwanted glory? That would be studying… or you thinking that you are studying. You are not studying. Not the right way at least. What? Can’t handle the truth? Well I hope you enjoy the oasis under your arms and other unmentionable places because marshmallows definitely aint coming out of there. You are digging own grave without realizing it.

Things you think are helping you while studying but really are not…

Osmosis doesn’t work.

Look I’ve tried it… and tried it… and tried it again… and tried it again just because… and tried again because the voices decided that one more try would work… and tried it… and licked my elbow… and still I tried it… IT DOES NOT WORK. I know right? How can something so positively sciency and ingenious work for other organisms but not us? I mean come on, how is placing your books under your pillow and sleeping on it not an effective means of studying? Building a library on your table also seems to be failing in the absorbing knowledge department…

Osmosis doesn’t work. It never will. You might want to change your pants… Peeing yourself in horror would be considered an appropriate response but do not fear. Simply take a deep breath and tell yourself it is not your fault that you are trying to cram three months of work the night before a test with a method that any sensible idiot would never use. Oh I’m sorry I thought you already knew.

Highlighters are not magic.

If your work looks like a unicorns threw up on it and then continued onward to lick the page then congratulations you’ve reverted back to your childhood logic “I’ll colour the most essential parts of my work in! Yay!” This is the appropriate response for teenagers well and truly in the grasp of panicking madness. Unfortunately the colours won’t suddenly cause a rainbow of information to explode in your brain in glorified studyingness. You might have a seizure. That’s a possibility. Why don’t you try summarizing your work instead?

Stop nest building.

You are not a bird, neither are you Katherine. In times of stress you spend hours crafting the perfect study nest to defend yourself from realizing that you have not even started yet and time is ticking oh so quickly. Remember we do not secrete marshmallows no matter how badly we want to. Spending your time nest building might chase the guilt away for a while but if you are going to go with the everything has to be perfect, you are just finding more reasons not to actually study. Don’t do that, think of unicorns and rainbows.

Don’t micro focus.

Some students think the best studying is super-slow studying: (like a turtle on tranquilizer) reading every word, one by one; writing every word of their paper, one by one; writing a summery, one word at a time.  Dude not only are you preparing yourself for a blissful time in sleepy-land (to be followed by a panic attack and digging of one’s own grave) but you are also wasting so much time. Studying is the delicate art of cramming as much as you can into your chocked mind in the shortest amount of time and not ending up banging your head against the wall with two straws shoved up your nose.

Don’t just memorize.

There it is. Probably the most important point of them all. It’s useless to just shovel stuff into your head that you don’t understand. It’s like baking a pie and then smashing your face into it only to wash it off and feed the rest to your pet jelly bean. Completely and utterly a waste of time and effort. Everybody knows jelly beans don’t like pie. You’ve probably just scarred your poor pet for life. Shame on you.

Cooler than me?

Sooo Friday night I had a wonderful time at my friend’s garage party. We all had to dress “commen”. In other words you had dress yourself in something in which you would NEVER be seen in public. EVER. It was fascinating. Truly fascinating. I had never seen my friends look so… slutty. Obviously we had to take things a little further and each of us got a hooker name. I was hooker #cow by the way, in case you were wondering and hoping to visit my non-existent street corner. I offer jelly beans with my services.

As for the video above… that is one of our native celebrity singers. [No comment] The song basically is about being cool and so on and so forth. You probably won’t understand a word of it since it is in Afrikaans but oh well. Shiny content for my blog. So… are you common or are you cool? That is the real question…

Cool is not doing what your parents want you to do.

Every teenager should know by now that you never listen to your parents, it is simply not cool. If you want drink yourself into a stupor or slowly drag your lungs through a metaphorical fire then please go ahead. After all you want to be cool and not common and using a healthy dose of brain power simply is not called for in situations like these. Most people are under this odd impression that drinking, drugs and smoking is the only way to be accepted by other and that refusing to take part in activities such as these will give you a one way ticket to uncoolville and a life of social outcastism. Yeah see what I did there? Social outcastism, you heard me right. Social outcastism. In reality it is a load of crap and the moment you pass your adolescent years and actually start working then drinking, drugs and in some cases smoking will be the uncoolest thing ever. I promise you that. Don’t fall victim to the lies and actually listen to your parents no matter how badly you are itching to torture your bedroom door.

Cool is looking like someone cool.

If said famous person were to wear pants on their head and shoes on their shoulders and dog poop on their feet, would you as well? After all, doing what the celebrities do that are mostly brain-dead and drunk on fame is considered cool by society? How do you know said celebrity had not been high on egg fumes? They do crazy things. Things that should not be followed by others of lesser fame or non-existent in most people’s cases. Leave the celebrities to do what they do best, act stupid and entertain us. Just because they do something does not mean that you should be doing it as well.

Cool is having a nickname that everybody knows but nobody is really sure how you got it.

Oh the irony of that sentence. We had situation like this one Friday night. One of the human beings attending the party had a very peculiar nickname and we were all dying to know where he got it. Obviously the person in question refused so we had to draw our own conclusions. NEVER allow a woman free reign on her imagination because the things that will pop out of there would scare the living crap out of any non-female creature. That would be men in case you were wondering.

Write in lower case and symbols.

Never mind the strange fact that it is impossible to read the stuff but apparently writing in lower case and using lots and lots of symbols is the new in thing these days. It’s like reading messages from the aliens. You have to sit several hours and decode the stuff and when you finally manage to do that you realize that it actually says nothing. Greaaat there goes half my day. If you want to waste someone’s time and drive them to the brink of curious insanity then please. Write a meaningless message in symbols and lower case and post it on a social networking site. The madness shall commence.

Tweet.

Do it, everybody is doing it.

(. . .)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road? Is the name or calling or philosophy of the religious, social and political debate about not only why the chicken was crossing the road, but also why it was out of its pen in the first place? As the kingdom of gallas, gallas domesticus shares some of the characteristics of a nation, a religion, and a culture, the definition of why the chicken crossed the road may vary, depending on how you are planning on serving the chicken or whether you will be crossing the road alongside the chicken – naked with dirt smeared over your body.

Why was the road there for the chicken to cross? How did it get there? Did the aliens place the road there? What is the purpose of this said road? Why is it called a road? How many toes does it take to peel a taco? These are all taxing questions with no answers in sight. A road is a wide way leading from one place to another so why if the road goes from let’s say north to south, does the chicken feel the urge to go from west to east over the road instead of along it? What is at the other side of the road?

What was this side of the road? What was that side? What possibly on this side of the road caused the chicken to decide to cross to the other side? Did the chicken merely want to stretch its legs or was there a dead taco lying next to the road? I mean come on? Who isn’t afraid of dead tacos? Perhaps Steve – a cloned jelly bean – is lying at the other side? Oh crap… Come back you mangy poultry!! Give back Steve!

Why a chicken? Why couldn’t it be an armadillo, pig, nose, gum or a taco? What makes chickens so special that it had to be one? You can’t exactly drown a person in chickens now can you, so scratch the world domination plan. Perhaps if one were to theorize: KFC built the road specifically because some genius decided that effectively killing poultry is the road way to go. I don’t know how people would feel if they knew they were eating road kill but stranger things have been consumed… Like sardines.

“Why did the chicken cross the road?” Was it to get to the other side? Is it the nature of chickens to cross roads?  Was it a historical inevitability? An unprovoked rebellion for no apparent reason but to let us die of a lack of eggs for breakfast because we can’t take the emotional and psychological stress? To boldly go where no chicken has gone? Was it an instinctive manoeuvre? Had the chicken not seen the road until it had already started to cross? Is it part of the plan?

Was it really a road? For all we know the road is actually a fish tank and the chicken a fish. Why did the fish swim around the fish tank? Was it to prove a pointless point? Irritate innocent bystanders or cause mayhem in the mind of Steve? Steve can get cranky when he’s staring at the fish I tell you. I’d rather prefer poultry in motion so scratch the fish idea.

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. This question has plagued the human race for an eternity or a second (Depending on the attention span of the individual’s mind). Whatever the amount of time is, don’t ask me, I have no idea. Ask the chicken that is either at the other side of the road or road kill or KFC. Depends on what happened during the chicken’s great journey across the road. (And whether the chicken does not have a predominate fear of naked homo sapient.)

Wait, where did Steve go?

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